Life isn't always the easiest of things. Whether it's a result of depression or a reaction to something that's happening around you, many people will find themselves thinking suicidal thoughts at some point in their lives.
Suicidal feelings can be terrifying.
What you feel:
If you can no longer see why you should go on living, your distress will seem unbearable. You may hate yourself and believe that you are useless and unneeded. You may feel rage, shame and guilt.
Repeated painful experiences, particularly losses, can lead you to blame yourself and feel that you haven't lived up to your own standards. Faced with an unbearable situation, unsolvable difficulties, overpowering feelings of guilt, failures or conflicts, you may start to think that death is your only option.
You may feel suicidal for no apparent reason. You may think that you have no reason to want to kill yourself. This can trigger feelings of deep guilt and shame and you may find it difficult to tell others what you are going through.
Whether you are aware of a cause or not, it can be difficult to relate to others at this time, so you are likely to feel withdrawn or irritable. Even if you have family and friends around, you may find it impossible to tell them how bad you feel. If you have been badly hurt by someone close to you, you may be thinking of suicide as a way of getting back at them. It is understandable to be angry with people who have hurt us, but suicide turns that anger in on ourselves.
What you may experience:
- sleeping badly and waking early
- a change in appetite
- weight loss or gain
- feeling cut off from your body or physically numb
- a loss of energy
- you may have stopped taking care of yourself e.g. neglecting your physical appearance.
- Mixed feelings
- You may be very clear that you want to die; you may simply not care if you live or die; you may be thinking of death as a release. If you feel powerless to influence circumstances that are distressing you, the idea of suicide may give you a sense of being in control again. Depending on your beliefs, you could be looking forward to ‘nothingness’ or to being reunited with loved ones or to reincarnation.
What are some possible causes of suicide?
Although the reasons why people commit suicide are multifaceted and complex, life circumstances that may immediately precede someone committing suicide include the time period of at least a week after discharge from a psychiatric hospital or a sudden change in how the person appears to feel (for example, much worse or much better). Examples of possible triggers (precipitants) for suicide are real or imagined losses, like the breakup of a romantic relationship, moving, loss (especially if by suicide) of a friend, loss of freedom, or loss of other privileges.
Sometimes professionals assess suicide risk by using an assessment scale. One such scale is called the SAD PERSONS Scale, which identifies risk factors for suicide as follows:
Sex (male)
Age younger than 19 or older than 45 years of age
Depression (severe enough to be considered clinically significant)
Previous suicide attempt or received mental-health services of any kind
Excessive alcohol or other drug use
Rational thinking lost
Separated, divorced, or widowed (or other ending of significant relationship)
Organized suicide plan or serious attempt
No or little social support
Sickness or chronic medical illness
What suicidal thoughts can do to you:
If you hear voices urging you to kill yourself, these delusional ideas are more likely to contribute to your suicidal thoughts; you are actually more likely to act on your suicidal thoughts during your non-psychotic, depressed phase. If you have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and have just come out of a manic phase, you may be feeling guilt, worthlessness and despair.
If you feel low and suicidal for no apparent reason, this can also make you feel powerless: if you can’t find a cause for your difficult feelings, you may find it hard to believe that there might be a solution.
You may be harming yourself by cutting, biting or burning your body. Perhaps you are getting into fights or taking extreme risks. You may also be overdosing on drugs, binging on alcohol or have developed anorexia or bulimia. However, even when you are not sure why you are self-harming, it is usually a means of trying to stay alive – trying to kill the pain you are feeling inside rather than a wish to actually kill yourself. For most people, suicidal thoughts are confusing. As much as you want to die, you may also want a solution to your difficulties in life and you may want others to understand how you feel and to help. Such mixed feelings and being unsure what to do can cause great anxiety. This is why suicidal thoughts can be frightening and confusing.
Why do I feel suicidal?
It may appear to others that suicide or an attempt at suicide is an impulsive act, especially if a person is misusing alcohol or drugs, or responding to a sudden crisis. More usually though, you will have experienced an increasing sense of hopelessness and worthlessness.Although thinking about suicide is quite common, and may occur whatever your age, gender or sexuality, you will be more vulnerable to suicidal thoughts and feelings if you feel incapable of solving the difficulties in your life. These may include:
- isolation or loneliness
- the breakdown of an important relationship
- being bullied at work, home or at school
- experiencing bereavement or other loss
- work problems, unemployment or poor job prospects
- adjusting to a big change, such as retirement or redundancy
- debt problems
- being in prison
- pregnancy, childbirth or postnatal depression
- cultural pressures
- long-term physical pain or illness
- doubts about your sexual or gender identity
- facing discrimination
- a history of sexual or physical abuse.
Mental health problems
It is also common to have suicidal thoughts if you are experiencing mental health problems – especially if you have a diagnosis of depression, borderline personality disorder or psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. It is not inevitable that any of these mental health problems will lead you to feeling suicidal; however, if you recognise where your difficulties come from and what makes them worse, there are plenty of organisations that can help you to make sense of them. (See 'Useful contacts').
Depression
The deeper your depression, the more likely it is that you will consider killing yourself. However, you are actually more vulnerable to acting on your thoughts as you start to come out of your depression rather than when it is at its most severe. This is possibly because you have more energy and motivation available at that stage. (Also see Mind’s booklet ‘Understanding depression’.)
Borderline personality disorder
If you have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder you may find it especially hard to cope with a stressful experience like losing a loved one or a job; you may feel out of control, paranoid or unreal, and this can intensify thoughts of ending it all. (See ‘Understanding borderline personality disorder’.)
Psychosis
If you have symptoms of psychosis and have been diagnosed with, for example, schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, your thoughts about wanting to die may be most related to depression, and particularly to feelings of hopelessness about the future.
Life isn't always the easiest of things. Whether it's a result of depression or a reaction to something that's happening around you, many people will find themselves thinking suicidal thoughts at some point in their lives. How you cope with these thoughts can be the difference between life and death.
How to cope with suicidal thoughts:
- Deal with the immediate impulse if it helps. "The whole system that we live in drills into us that we're powerless that we're weak that our society is evil etc. and so forth. It's all a big fat lie, we are powerful, beautiful and extraordinary. There is no reason why we cannot understand who we truly are, where we are going, there is no reason why the average individual cannot be fully empowered, we are incredibly powerful beings." - Professor Richard Alpert.
- Get a job you enjoy doing, getting a job that implements something you're interested in can be a big motivator to not kick the bucket prematurely. Granted, this can be very difficult when depressed, but making even small changes to improve your life can help pull out of a more self-destructive mindset.Beware of making your happiness dependent on your job, other people, or other peoples perception of you.
- Don't entertain these thoughts to make someone else feel guilty. You may have these thoughts because someone hurt you recently, and you want that person to feel guilty. It won't work; think it through. You won't be around to see how that person grieves or acts after you're dead. It might be a long time before they even find out about you. And even if they got terribly upset on discovering you did away with yourself, you would not be there to see that reaction. Killing yourself isn't the way to get love & attention from others. If they really can't stand you, they're not going to feel guilty anyway and may just be relieved you're not around, so don't give your enemies that relief. They'll be the ones getting all the attention and support, no matter what they did to you to push you to that point.
- Realize that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Procrastination can help. Live life day-to-day and give it a chance to improve. Tell yourself that you can, at the very least, get through this day, all the way till bedtime. Once you've made it that far, tell yourself that you will sleep on it before deciding to take any action. Take one day at a time, or if you feel that's too hard, take it one hour at a time. Remember that things will often get worse before they get better.
- Put away the implements if you have chosen a method for your demise. Put those items somewhere out of your immediate reach, somewhere that you have to make an extra effort to go get them. When you are hurting, impulses are strong - having to go out of your way to take action on those impulses will give you time to think and resist them. Example: If you plan to take pills, put them up on a high shelf, in a place you wouldn't ordinarily look for them - highest shelf of your closet, rather than in the bathroom, or in the kitchen, in the highest cupboard. If you've chosen a gun--if you really don't need it and the temptation to use it is strong--consider selling it. Otherwise, put it in your gun safe, locked. If possible, don't keep the key in your home; leave it, at least temporarily, with someone you trust. If you feel that you can't be open about the real reason you are leaving the key with them, make an excuse--you have children/an elderly parent in the house or you are afraid that an intruder may find it and open the safe etc. You can talk to yourself a little here, and tell yourself that if you really want to go through with it, you can make the necessary effort to retrieve your pills/gun etc.
- Look for the things that are good in life. Start with the littlest things; perhaps a pet, a sunrise or sunset, something you find comfort in doing or seeing. Grab onto this thing and cherish it. Make a list. It doesn't matter how trivial these things are or what anyone else thinks of them, it's whatever you're actually looking forward to that matters for any reason. One man survived a bad suicidal episode just because he didn't want to miss a favorite TV show that aired two days later.
- Find someone to confide in. A friend, a parent, a counsellor or teacher. Ask for help and allow yourself to receive the help offered. You may not wish to confide your desperate feelings to just anyone, but if you have just one person you can tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, it might really help you feel less alone.
- Remember to eat regularly, and stick with healthy food. Avoid sugar, which can contribute to mood swings. If you go too long without eating, you will get low blood sugar which worsens depression. Fruit can help elevate your mood, because it has phytochemicals in it which are shown to do so. Try eating an apple or an orange - if nothing else, it will occupy you in a harmless activity for a few minutes.
- Engage in some exercise, such as jogging or calisthenics. Exercise increases the dopamine levels in the brain, and is also a very good way to take your attention off of emotional pain by a healthy dose of some constructive physical pain. Start off gradually if necessary. If all can manage is a five minute walk, that is an excellent start!
- Find a cause and fight or contribute to it. Not money - anybody can give money to a charitable cause. Give your time. Help the needy and less fortunate.
Go to a local church and volunteer to help in their "feed the hungry" program - many churches do provide free meals to the homeless and less fortunate. You can help by offering to serve, to clean up after, or to help prep for the dinners.
Be careful, though, to not do anything illogical or irrational, just because you need to cling on to something. As in, if you don't believe in a cults practices, or aren't religious, don't turn to either just because you need "something". Please keep your head.
Go to a local food bank and offer to help.
Go to a battered women or children's center and volunteer.
There are many people who need your help - you just have to go out and give it. And in the process, it's very likely that you will find yourself feeling much better. Helping others is one of the very best ways to cope with thoughts of harming yourself, because it creates a very big feeling of warmth and generosity in your heart - it will be a welcome change after feeling empty and cold for such a long time. And feeling necessary can really help your outlook long term, too. There was a song that said, Give - when you have anything at all to give... you have everything to live for... give all you've got, and when you've given all you can... give again... give again... give again... The truth is, the more you give, the more you are filled with compassion, and the easier it is to give again. And all that good feeling is also yours to keep, because in an odd paradox, the more you give, the better you will feel.
- Do not take any medication that hasn't been prescribed for you by a medical practitioner. Also do not drink alcohol. Alcohol is, itself, a depressant. Whatever resolve you have to stay on top of things will be loosened by drinking. If you have a problem with drugs or alcohol see a doctor immediately.
- Look up a website that gives advice on coping with suicidal thoughts and contribute your own ideas. Stretching your brain to think creatively about specific ways to help other people will, no doubt, be helpful for you. After all, it was your own idea! Be encouraged by every effort you make to improve your situation and your state of mind. Congratulate yourself for caring enough about yourself to make the effort because when you are feeling really low, it is an effort. Be assured that it is an effort well worth making.
- Speak kindly to yourself with comforting words of validation and affirmation. When the waves of temptation come, soothe yourself by saying something like, "Given my situation and my state of mind, it's perfectly understandable to be feeling this way. It's OK. But whatever I may be feeling, I know, deep in my heart, that I will not ever act upon it. It's not the answer. I know that the answer is to keep on riding out the waves of temptation and to keep on reaching out for help. I know that I'll gradually feel better as time passes. I can do it."
- If all the positive, happy, generous impulses and feelings are worn away, other dark emotions can help fight your despair. Anger is better than despair. Living in spite for a while is still living long enough for the pain to ease and you can remember that there are things in life you enjoy and people you care about more positively. Don't let the people who hurt you that deep win and succeed in getting rid of you completely. If you stick around, they still have to face your existence every day and know you stood up to them. This is if someone is hounding you or abusing you. Hold out long enough and you can find better ways to deal with that abuser, find ways to walk away and get out of the situation alive.
- Become curious about what the future might hold for you. Ask yourself helpful questions like: "What will I be doing this time next year?" "If I take up tennis again, I wonder how many new friends I will make?" "If I get a job, how will I spend the money I'll earn?"
- Write down your feelings on a piece of paper or something else. Yeah, it sounds stupid to do it, but it will help. Put as much emotion into it let yourself go and write down all that you feel. It's a good way to relieve yourself and get away from suicidal thoughts you may be having. Just try it out it might actually help.
This short video might help a little:
